Fair warning: Long Story, "Domino" by ML

“THE ‘DOMINOS’ OF LIFE”
A parable of addiction
By Mary Lou Martin

The first domino Player innocently stood on end like a toy soldier. Perfectly balanced, in precise formation, each domino was placed carefully at attention. With the setting of each black, spotted piece Player would hold his breathe. Even though he was confident it wouldnÂ’t really happen, he was careful not to let it fall.

It was easy the first time that he tried to stand one domino up. He also recalled that he wasnÂ’t sure he even enjoyed it. Still there was something exciting in the play, something so intoxicating that Player could not resist the urge to place another domino in the line.

Over the course of time, opportunities to line up the dominos would present itself to Player again and again. Even though he knew deep down that there was something not right about what he was doing, he found its lure to be infectious. He didnÂ’t understand why he even felt like it was wrong. This was innocent play, no big deal. It was a fun social game that made Player feel happy. There was something about lining up dominos and the way people seemed to really enjoy it that intrigued him.

Player began lining up dominos with a friend one boring weekend back in college. Yes, they should have been studying, but killing a little time with a box of dominos wasnÂ’t going to hurt anything. It was exciting, but at the same time made him feel just a little guilty. Not too much, but enough that he didnÂ’t try it again for a long time. For hadnÂ’t he been warned many times of its dangers? Had he not heard all the talk from commercials on TV and lectures in school about how a player could get hooked on lining up dominos? He thought about the sorted lives that were depicted in health films at school. About how some poor slug of a guy would be so addicted to it that he would forget he had a family. HeÂ’d spend his last dime just to buy another box of dominos so his line would never stop. Yet somehow he just knew it would never happen to him. He knew with confidence that he would not become hooked on lining up dominos. After all those were just stories of extreme cases and he was different.

As years passed, he graduated and found an apartment and a buddy with whom to share the rent. He landed a job in the city writing for a local magazine. Player made a lot of friends and enjoyed getting together with them just to hang out after work. His life was right on track. However, he was never too far away from something he'd found was present everywhere he went in the city. Something that for now was just a fun game. So he would keep a box of dominos around just in case a buddy dropped by and was interested in a quick game before going out.

However, it was the times that he was alone in his apartment that the desire to line up dominos was the strongest. It was on those evenings that he would go to his bedroom and take a box of dominos out of a hiding place in his closet. Now lining dominos up alone with no real reason to do it, made him feel dishonest, like a hypocrite. But at the same time it made him feel alive and like he belonged with the dominos. Settling into the empty apartment with a fresh box of dominos made all the stress of the day and cares of the world melt away. Player relished that feeling.

One cold winter afternoon PlayerÂ’s roommate was out of town. He made several futile attempts to hook up with friends at a local domino bar after work. However, first one late deadline, then problems in the copy room made him late getting off that evening. Drained and tired from the dayÂ’s work, he decided to skip the bar and just go home. After changing clothes and starting a blaze in the fireplace, he warmed up some dinner. Feeling better after eating, Player felt the need for something more. So he took his domino box down from its shelf. The thrill he had as he touched the container knowing in just a few minutes, pleasure and comfort would be exposed for him to enjoy, tingled through his fingers. He sat in the room as he reminisced of other dominos lined neatly in rows with some curving around in circles intertwining with other circles. What a beautiful sight to behold! An army of dominos standing ready to guard and uphold the playerÂ’s right to add to the regiment.

First he put some mood music on the CD player and sat back on a pillow in front of the fire. Music playing softly in the background helped to relax PlayerÂ’s tired body. Then he gently lowered the box of dominos next to him where he sat on the floor in front of the fireplace. With the glow of the fire behind him, he stood a single domino on end. The tall black piece went down with smooth ease. The next domino was multi-spotted and stood close behind the first. Player continued setting them up one by one as carefully as he knew how. He spent an hour with a line that moved in and under the furniture legs. With glee he lined up dominos as fast as he could sometimes in straight lines, other times with curves. This was incredible because Player found that he could stand more up and still not feel the effects of his play. He also noticed that the more he lined up with no effects, the more he felt the desire to put more dominos down in line. So when he played the last domino, he realized that he must retrieve another box from his secret shelf. As he got up and walked, he noticed his footsteps were weaving. What was going on here? Was it because he felt such and adrenalin rush from the game that he found it hard to put one foot in front of the other one? This was something new for the Player, but in a silly way, it made him laugh out loud to himself. As he reached for the box on the shelf, he suddenly felt dizzy. Then just as quickly regained his composure. Player managed to take the box back where he was sitting in front of the fireplace.

With the box in one hand, Player lowered himself slowly down to continue his play. Picking up a solid black domino he noticed it was spotless. With nothing to blur his sights, Player stood his ebony soldier in line. It wobbled as if it was going to fall. PlayerÂ’s eyes grew big and his heart raced as he watched the black domino teeter and tilt from side to side. Then, in a flash, it fell. It only took seconds for the whole line of dominos to lay defeated like wounded warriors. Player cried out to the regiment to stop, but of course it was to no avail. They were falling and there was nothing he could do to save it now. With tears of anguish, Player fell with them and slept until morning.

PlayerÂ’s talent to stand dominos on end without one of them falling had been his safeguard or his excuse to continue. His game with dominos had been his secret as he fell deeper into its trenches. For he was not sure the other players would understand his love of such reckless folly. Many of his peers had never even touched a domino therefore could not possibly have a frame of reference for such activity. How could they relate to the delight he felt each time he stood one of his dominos on end? Still there were other friends and even family members that lined up dominos occasionally. Among them were even some who played and seemed keenly aware of the dangers lining up dominos could cause. They enjoyed it with caution and intuitively knew exactly how much was enough. They possessed a power to stop before any domino got out of their control. One misplaced domino and the whole line could rally back to the start. A defeat of that kind was sure to ruin any player in the eyes of the upright people he knew. Though that be true, it would be his own self-respect that would be ruined forever.

So Player too became cautious. He watched others that controlled their dominos. He began to form quite a library with books he read about the addictions of players who had fallen. Player educated himself using the stories of others whose lives had fallen into ruin. He knew that he would have to be more careful. He never wanted to experience falling with a line of dominos again.

However, he could never manage to stop lining up the dominos completely. He would try and stop for a brief period of time. But each time he would go back to his game, he became better at placing the dominos. Although at the same time he also became more careless with his game. He began to take chances in the placement of the dominos by trying to see how many he could put down without falling. At other times, with a domino in each fist, he set one down hard followed quickly by the next. This thrilled the player for the rush and buzz came to him quicker. Player would also slip out from home at night just to purchase more dominos when his supply ran low. There too he was careful not to be seen by misunderstanding players. Yet the lone player smiled at the game and challenge to continue the line with confidence that his domino soldiers were unmovable. Each and every piece maintained a solid stance as the sure-handed player set them up one or two at a time. He felt invincible because he and his dominos didnÂ’t fall. He thought he was learning control of the game. What a rush!

Although his practice of setting up dominos had been a sort of secret in the beginning, more and more people found out about his indulgence. However, they didn’t seem to notice that he was lining up dominos every day. On special gatherings Player enjoyed lining up dominos with his friends. There were even some family socials that involved setting up a few playing pieces. Knowing there were potential dangers for anyone who began the pastime, he still participated with his loved ones alongside. “They’ll be just fine,” he thought, “they’re old enough to know what they are doing.”

Then, one day our player noticed that a domino rocked on end and appeared unbalanced as he carried out his game. Had his hand shook when he put the domino in line? “No,” he thought, “I don’t shake. I have this under control.” For he certainly knew of other players that had difficulty placing their dominos in a row while keeping them steady. He also had observed with pity as the more advanced players’ hands would sometimes tremble as they attempted to position a domino at the end of a long line. He knew the sad end of a player who shook. Ultimately, that player would weaken and his domino line would topple and fall headfirst into one standing in front of it causing every single domino in the line to fall in rapid succession. But that only happened to players who were weak with no stamina. Player had set up dominos for years now. Ignoring the signs of dependency on dominos, he told himself that would never happen to him. At least not again.

As the days of playing dominos passed into months and the months into years, Player’s line of black-spotted rectangles had grown in large proportions. One night as he stood back and looked upon his mighty soldier-like success, he noticed that the dominos nearer the end of the line were askew in relation to the ones at the front of the line. Had it been that the player was not noticing where he was placing the dominos anymore? Had he gotten careless with his game? All at once he was concerned. “Perhaps I should just stop here. I won’t set up any more dominos and the chances of my line’s falling in disgrace will be less likely.”

Player confessed to his roommate. He told him that he had begun to depend on having dominos around and how he didnÂ’t think he could make it through a day without lining them up. To his surprise, the friend agreed pointing out that he had noticed all the dominos in the apartment long ago. Player didnÂ’t know what to think about his buddyÂ’s response. How could he have known that PlayerÂ’s fascination with lining up dominos was more than a casual social game? Why had he not said anything before? But that wasnÂ’t important. What was important was that now it was out in the open. A problem existed and Player had to face the truth.

So, Player shut the door to the domino room. He thought about removing all of the dominos altogether from the apartment. He threw out all of the partially played dominos. But there were dominos yet to be played in his cabinets and Player just didnÂ’t see the point in discarded perfectly unused playing pieces. So he left them in the cabinets and on his secret shelf. It was hard at first to resist opening the door, but he willed himself not to go into the room. He thought that in time he would get over the compulsion to start his game again.

However, a habit had been formed and Player found it hard to resist the pull of the domino line. Upset and agitated that the line so innocently begun many years previous had such a hold on him, he decided to withdraw completely from any likeness of dominos. He decided to change his location get a new job and completely severe the thing that held his life in captivity.

With an agreement from his roommate, they found a place on the other side of town. To PlayerÂ’s delight a new job opened up not far form his new apartment. But try as hard as he could, there was no escape. For everywhere he turned his fellow players were lining up to place their dominos in a row. They laughed on their domino high and beckoned him to join them and play. Social events were especially difficult for Player to resist setting up a domino or two. His own family would bring dominos to his new apartment inviting him to participate. He tried explaining to friends and family he once set up dominos with that he had quit and didnÂ’t do it anymore. No one ever really asked him why he quit or had noticed that it had become a problem. It was just accepted and fine with them.

Even though they supported his decision to quit, they themselves never quit bringing dominos to set up in front of Player. He ached to talk to his closest friend again about the problem. He wanted to explain and yet what would he say? It was hard to explain to anyone because most of time no one had ever noticed. They didnÂ’t know that he could set up dominos for hours at a time and not let a single one fall. His cover up was better now than ever before. No one, not even his roommate, really knew he could set them up fast and be driven to turn the next corner without a fallen domino. Sometimes, exhausted from all the lining up he had done, Player would simply lie down and fall asleep. None of his friends, family or even his roommate realized that this had become an obsession with him. Lining up dominos was part of who he was now. He thought about giving it up everyday, but then he would look at the closed door on the cabinet and pull out another domino.

What had he done? How would he ever stop setting up dominos? ItÂ’s hard to undo so many years of doing something that once just filled time. Even if he could manage to stop, what would become of the other players he had influenced? What if they became addicted to the game like he had? How would he face himself every morning knowing he had brought them down with him? But it was too late. Many of the players he used to line up dominos with were heavy into the game. Like Player, they found it too hard to quit. Some of his family who were still lining up dominos never noticed the menace creeping into their lives like a clinging vine.

Player isnÂ’t playing anymore. He quit lining up dominos before his last one fell. However, he lapses from time to time. When he passes a domino bar and hears the cheers as someone inside has set another one down, he finds it hard to resist the tug to join the fun. Mostly Player is trying to recover from years of denial. The truth is, he has a problem with dominos. A problem that Player had to admit he had. He just hoped it wasnÂ’t too late for the players that were important to him to stop before they fell.

I hope it isn’t too late for you either. Whether your “domino” is an addiction or a secret sin you just can’t shake, quit while you are ahead. Pray that God will remove the urge or desire that draws you back into the dark to whatever your “dominos” may be.