Fear

“What are you afraid of? What are your fears?” Those were questions asked in a Sunday school class recently. The minister at our church is conducting a three-week study about people’s fears in light of being a Christian.

“Fear…my immediate thought was “Death, I’m afraid of dying.” Then, on second thought and after listening to others comment about being afraid of snakes, spiders and their children not following Jesus; I rethought my first reaction to be, “I’m afraid of my husband’s death or that of my children more than I am of my own.”

I suppose that being left to grieve for someone with whom I’ve had a close and intimate relationship with scares me most. Not too distant memories of grief for family that have already passed away quickly come back to mind. My stomach begins to hurt and my chest aches with the memories of how physically weak those loses made me feel. It was as if my life and spirit was sucked right out of me like stuffing falling out of a rag doll. I was limp with grief when my mother died and then my dad a few years later. That was the worst I’d ever grieved for anyone and still do to this day.

The next fear I have seems like it would pale in light of death. It is a fear that our bills won’t be paid. That we’ll run out of money and all of the companies we’ve ever done business with will be calling nonstop every day demanding to have our minimum payment immediately…including interest. So bizarre that companies charge interest on money we’ve spent. Sounds like they are thieves and we are the victims of such business. Wish we’d known that 30 years ago. I never would have started using credit cards if I’d known and understood what a racket it really was.

If we were to lose our house, I think I could handle that. I’ve moved before, I can move again. At least it allows me to clean out all the old stuff I didn’t get rid of in the first or second move. However, I don’t really believe it’ll come to that. I just have a “fear” of it happening. I like our present house. There are a lot of things I’d like to fix, remodel or paint, but I’m fearful of spending the money. I’m fearful that the bills won’t get paid if I buy paint or new curtains. That’s not to say that I don’t spend money, for indeed I do spend money. Mostly, I spend money at the grocery store. There was a time many years ago that when the checker rang up the final bill, knowing my check balance, I’d have to tell her I couldn’t pay that amount. Then, embarrassed I’d begin to take items out of my sacks. I hated that fearful feeling that the total was too much to pay. To this day, I watch with a little anticipation as the system checks my credit after scanning my debit card. I am relieved when I see “Approved” on the little screen in front of me. It’s a fear I don’t seem to be able to overcome.

Fear, I have heard, can be debilitating. I believe that to be true when I find myself at a standstill on the brink of my fears. Thoughts begin to scramble with ways to solve my problem, to overcome the issue that is causing the shockwave running throughout my body. “If I can just get a hold of my fears and find peace,” I tell myself. “God, help me to be calm in this storm. Stop the tremors of fear I am feeling!” I pray to the Lord. Yes, I believe fear can be debilitating. One day, when I do die, I know that the calm my body has ached for will come when Jesus wraps his arms around me. Then, it’ll all be over, the fears, the worry, the stomachaches, the shaking with anticipation of what might happen next. Finally, I will be in the safe comfort of the Lord’s kingdom.

“The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.” Psalms 18:4-6