Just now I read my last two posts. I thought it would provide inspiration for writing today if I reread them, but reading them only made my depressed mood, moody.
Unhappiness is...well, sad. Physically tiring, there is head knowledge that if one sits long enough circumstances will not get better, and still, I sit.
My part time job with the schools recently has kept me busy. It's a good job and the pay is not bad, although the check won't come until the job is finished. A bit of a stretch on the budget to make it until that paycheck arrives. Perhaps a partial reason for the recent depression, budget issues heighten my anxieties.
Yesterday, something happened that I recognized as familiar. Before I retired in 2007, I was beginning to show signs of burnout and depression. Since the school was only a few blocks from my house, I took advantage on a regular basis to go home for lunch just to remove myself from the surroundings. Before those last three years at the neighborhood school, I often drove to a nearby Dairy Queen or McDonald's for a Coke just to leave the campus where I was teaching. Yesterday, as I was giving tests at a school, I had an overwhelming need to leave the building. During a midday break, I drove the 10 or so minutes back home eating the sandwich I'd packed that morning for my lunch. I considered not returning for the day, but I knew I had to finish giving the tests. My actions were so familiar and a little disturbing at the same time.
After driving all the way back home for a short break in the day yesterday, I decided to stay home today. Since it is not a job where I have classes of students waiting on my arrival, no sub is necessary and I am free to amend my schedule.The room where I administer tests is not available on Wednesdays which provided a good excuse for pulling a Ferris Bueller. Not all I had hoped it would be, I am home "working", blogging, checking Facebook, email and watching my cats come and go to the backyard. I should have driven to La' Madeline's in Rice Village or a bar in Houston! I'm still considering my options.
Not one bit of real work has been done since I woke up. I attempted to write this blog entry three different times. Being a public blog, I am aware that people will read and think I am not happy. Well, that is not far from truth, but I'm really okay. Today is a moody day. This month has been a moody month. That's all.
The sun is finally shining. That is a start and that little mockingbird is trying his darnest to make me happier. My next move will be to shower, get dressed and grade some of those tests I gave this week. Or maybe I will skip the shower and go to the DQ for take out & back to the house. I'd love to run away to a beach house for a day, but I can't. So...
Tomorrow I will return to the school and continue doing my job. Some days life is not as great as all that, but it is better than the alternative. Blessings!
